Negotiating Difficult Life Transitions

Life is a process of beginnings and endings. In both life and nature, there are times when things move slowly and don't seem to change very much. Then, suddenly, things change quickly. Moving from August to September, the weather changes gradually at first, and then it seems that suddenly summer is over. It is the same in our lives; transitions are as natural as the changing seasons.

Life transitions are challenging because they force us to let go of the familiar and face the future with a f

eeling of vulnerability. Most life transitions begin with a string of losses:

• The loss of a role

• The loss of a person

• The loss of a place

• The loss of your sense of where you fit in the world

Any significant loss makes most people feel fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. We live in a culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we are anxious when our lives are disrupted. On the positive side, these transitions give us a chance to learn about our strengths and to explore what we really want out of life. This time of reflection can result in a sense of renewal, stability, and a new equilibrium.

A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning, and they may be quite dramatic, as in cases of accidents, death, divorce, job loss, or serious illness. Other life transitions come from positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a child. Even though events like these are usually planned and anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as the unexpected events. Whether positive or negative, life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can leave us feeling completely unprepared and we may be thrown into a personal crisis, feeling shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn.

Examples of Life Transitions

Life transitions can include any of the following:

• Accidents

• Buying a house

• Changing jobs

• Divorce

• Getting married

• Having a baby

• Leaving for college

• Relocation

• Retirement

• Selling a house

• Serious illness

• Significant loss (of a person, job, pet, or anything important)

• Starting a career

Stages of Life Transitions

Successfully moving through a life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:

1. Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).

2. Feel a loss of self-esteem.

3. Begin to accept the change.

4. Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.

5. Begin to feel hopeful about the future.

6. Feel increased self-esteem.

7. Develop an optimistic view of the future.

The process of moving through a transition does not always proceed in order, in these nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the process in different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.

Coping Skills

Life transitions are often difficult, but they have a positive side, too. They provide us with an opportunity to assess the direction our lives are taking. They are a chance to grow and learn. Here are some ideas that may help make the process rewarding.

Accept that change is a normal part of life. People who have this attitude seem to have the easiest time getting through life transitions. Seeing changes as negative or as experiences that must be avoided makes them more difficult to navigate and less personally productive.

Identify your values and life goals. If a person knows who they are and what they want from life, they may see the change as just another life challenge. These people are willing to take responsibility for their actions and do not blame others for the changes that come along without warning.

Learn to identify and express your feelings. While it's normal to try to push away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them down and talking about them with trusted friends and family members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face them and express them.

Focus on the payoffs. Think about what you have learned from other life transitions. Recall the stages you went through, and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such transitions can provide a productive time to do some important self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome fears and to learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the transition process: to learn more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

Don't be in a rush. When your life is disrupted, it takes time to adjust to the new reality. Expect to feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon, before you have had a chance to reflect and think about what is really best for you.

Expect to feel uncomfortable. A time of transition is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.

Stay sober. Using alcohol or drugs during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the process more difficult.

Take good care of yourself. Transitions are very stressful, even if they are supposed to be happy times. You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.

Build your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judging you and encourage you to express your true feelings. A time of transition is also an excellent time to seek the support of a mental health professional. He or she can guide you through the transition process in a safe and supportive environment.

Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. This is the first step to accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out early on her last day on the job because she can't bear to say good-bye? Or do you drag them out because you have such a hard time letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let yourself feel sad. Before you can welcome the new, you must acknowledge and let go of the old.

Keep some things consistent. When you are experiencing a significant life change, it helps to keep as much of your daily routine consistent as you can.

Accept that you may never completely understand what has happened to you. You are likely to spend a lot of time feeling confused and afraid. This makes most of us very uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass, and clarity will return.

Take one step at a time. It's understandable to feel like your life has become unmanageable. To regain a sense of power, find one small thing you can control right now. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps. Write them down and post them on your computer monitor or mirror. Cross off each step as you accomplish it.

Times of life transitions offer you the chance to explore what your ideal life would look like. When things are in disarray, you can reflect on the hopes and dreams you once had but perhaps forgot about. Take this time to write about them in a journal or talk about them with a trusted friend or therapist. Now is a good time to take advantage of the fork in the road.

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Success in Life and How to Achieve It

First things first. What is YOUR definition of "success"? What determines whether or not someone is successful in your eyes? For some people it is having a lot of money, for others it may be having the time freedom to play golf once a

week, and for others it may be raising their children to be "good people" or having a large group of close friends. For every one of us, there is a different definition of what success is for others, and what success is for ourselves in our own lives. The more important of the two is how we measure success for ourselves, not for others. In order to have success in our own lives we must first define, within ourselves, what it IS to be successful and then set our hearts and minds on achieving it. The basic foundation to attaining success is setting goals and when you achieve those goals, you have success.

The goals that we set for ourselves can come in all shapes and sizes. Some may seem small and some may seem outrageously ambitious in the eyes and minds of others. Whatever the size of the goal or whatever the goal is, when we accomplish it, it will equate to success no matter how big or small. If you feel that making tiny little steps is more of your nature, then set small goals for yourself in your life. A bucket full of small incremental successes is just as valid as reaching a long-term goal in larger steps. As a matter of fact, every long-term goal requires smaller short-term goals for them to ultimately come to fruition. That's just the way it works. We've all heard of the concept of the "overnight success", right?

Well, I will guarantee that each one of those overnight successes have been achieving other quieter, less public, subtler successes along the way before "getting their big break". Nobody becomes an overnight success overnight. The bottom line is that in order to succeed in life we must have goals, whether big or small. You can still be a big thinker and a very successful person by accomplishing bite-sized goals and succeeding at them one at a time. The journey towards your ultimate goals is an exciting one when we have incremental successes along the way. And when we achieve those successes along the way, it's important to celebrate them and to be inspired by them, so that we are motivated to achieve the ultimate goals in our lives as well.

Carolyn Quan is an Entrepreneur, internationally-collected Fine Artist and Mentor to artists. She is based in Emeryville, California which is in the San Francisco Bay Area and works from her artist's loft when she is not traveling the world on business and for art shows. Her professional experience includes working as a graphic designer in television in Toronto; working as an Art Director in the music industry in New York City (designing album covers for Grateful Dead, Carly Simon, Barry Manilow, Aretha Franklin amongst others); and publishing a full-color multicultural magazine that was distributed at Borders, Barnes and Noble and Chapters in Canada. Prior to her move to California, she was the owner of The Quan Galleries in both Lahaina, Maui and Waikiki. Her fine art is also held in the permanent art collection of The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction in Bloomington, Indiana and has been shown in Rio de Janeiro; New York City; Los Angeles; Taos, New Mexico; Riviera Maya, Mexico; Toronto, Canada; and throughout the Hawaiian islands. Carolyn Quan is living her dreams and is passionate about sharing her experiences and knowledge with others in business, personal development and in fine art, so that they, too, can be living the life of their dreams.

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Balancing Your Creative Life

Balancing your creative life with your "real" life can be a bit of a tightrope walk. Creatives never stop. Our minds are in full movement from the time we wake up and often as we sleep. Ideas explode as we stand in line at the grocery store, as we fold the wash, as we cut the grass, as we tuck the kids under the covers, as we work our day job, as we cook dinner and the list could go on forever.

Finding balance between these two lives can often be frustrating, can create animosity, can cause depression or anxiety and can make one reevaluate whether the creative life is really worth the pursuit.

Balance can be found between these two lives as long as you're willing to set some priorities and make some sacrifices.

• Carry a notebook. Always. Write down what's lurking around in your head. The few seconds or minutes are worth the time to keep an idea fresh and go back to it when the timing is more suitable.

• Create creative time in your daily schedule. If this just means you create on weekends, accept that and don't veer from the commitment. If it means one hour after dinner, accept that. Only you can make the time to participate in your creative life.

• Create family time. This is the same application as creative time. Commit to it.

• Recognize your down time. Are you watching too much TV to unwind? Are you surfing the internet to release the tension of the day? Are these activities keeping you from your creative goals?

• Can you sacrifice an hour of sleep to get back to your creative pursuits? Sleep is just as important as the air we breathe, so ask yourself if you can wake up an hour earlier or go to bed an hour later to instill time for your creative life. But keep in mind, lack of sleep can hinder this venture as well as help it. Make sure you get the sleep you need.

• Let your family help you find the time to commit to your creativity. Ask them to take on simple tasks you take on yourself to free up a little time for your art.

• Is your day job affecting your creative life? This one can be a struggle for any creative who wishes to make a career from their art. Keep in mind that the mundane, mind numbing job is your life support at the moment and while you're stuck from 8-5 in someone else's world, your subconscious is continually working in your creative world. Use your notebook. And accept the fact that you have to pay the bills.

• When you're feeling the effects of frustration, animosity, depression, anxiety or you just wonder if it's worth the challenge, take those feelings and apply them to your art. Creation from these feelings can expose a new point of view that can lead to a deeper creativity worth exploring.

Finding balance between your creative life and your "real" life can be challenging, but you're a creative and it takes creativity to make it happen. Explore ideas that you can implement into your life to create time for your creative life.

Peace on your journey - Kerri

Kerri Williams is a creativity coach, a fine art photographer and a writer on a lifelong creative journey. Kerri writes about the creative journey and coaches those seeking their creative passion and/or searching to reclaim their creative journey.

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